Let me just start out by saying, I love my daughter and I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.
That said... Today I was reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to Reid. We came to this page:
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| "I do not like this one so well. All he does is yell, yell yell. I will not have this one about. When he comes in I put him out." |
And... I thought of my daughter. It's the perfect description of this adorable little girl, except that I don't have the option of putting her out. But seriously, all she does is yell, yell, yell!
For whatever reason (I guess I've caused it, but I can't figure out what I did) she thinks I need to be within sight at all times. Sometimes within touch. If it isn't happening the way she wants, she screams. I'm not talking crying, I'm talking full out, angry, screaming at the top of her lungs. EVERY. TIME.
I take her and a sibling or more downstairs to watch her favorite show, PAW Patrol and I get it turned on and head back upstairs. Sometimes she waits a couple of minutes, sometimes it's immediate, but I always hear, "Moooommmeeeyyy!!!!" and then she follows me upstairs, crying. She usually wants me to go back down with her to watch, "auf!" (That's a bark.) and gets mad when I don't. Again, with the screaming.
I'm loading the dishwasher and she thinks I should hold her so she pushes her way between me and the sink and screams. She sees something she wants, so she screams. I gave her something, but it wasn't the right thing, she screams. I looked at her, I didn't look at her, I shifted to get more comfortable (she thought I might be thinking about going into a different room)... all of it makes her scream. I try to feed her lunch, it's even something she likes, she screams. Dinner... I make the same thing for everyone and if she doesn't recognize it she won't put it in her mouth and... you guessed it, she screams. I don't just give her everything she wants. I've started making her "be nice" and say please before I do something that she screamed about, but she continues to scream.
Sleeping has gotten... um... interesting as well. She got a new bed last week. It's still a crib, it's actually the one her brother had as a toddler bed in the same room with her old bed. We moved it to the same spot as her old one and put all of the same bedding and stuffed animals (her brothers think she needs about 15) in the crib. The first three nights she slept great. Then she started waking up. The first two nights she woke up and I could tell she wasn't going to go back to sleep easily, I took her in bed with us. This did not go well and neither my husband nor I got much sleep after she came in bed with us. So... the third night I decided she was staying in her bed. She screamed FOR. THREE. HOURS. That's right, three hours. I went in there several times. I tried to give her the pacifier, she wouldn't take it. I tried to lay her down and rub her back, she got up and screamed louder. I turned on a music cd, she screamed. I finally went in there and sat on her floor until she went to sleep... she got quiet--she'd already woken 4 of the other 5 people in the house--but she would not lay down. She stood and then knelt against the side. She finally laid down and went back to sleep. About that time my husband gave up on sleeping and got up to go on his early morning walk. I snuck in another 45 minutes of sleep. The next night she woke up 4 times. Twice I had to sit on her floor in the cold for 20 minutes each, once my husband went in for about 30 seconds and left and she didn't make another sound, the last time I brought her in bed with me so I could hopefully get that last hour of sleep. The next night she slept all night... not sure why or how. The following night her brother woke up 3 times and she woke up once, again I sat on the floor for a while. Last night she woke up twice. I was too tired to check the clock, but she did go to sleep faster than 20 minutes. At nap times I've had to let her scream until I get Reid in bed (he has to sleep in a different room because he wakes her up if he goes in there) and then I had to sit on the floor until she fell asleep. She's also been waking up and screaming at least once during nap time. On Monday I didn't get any workout in and on Wednesday I only got a short workout because she woke up twice and wouldn't let me leave.
I'm tired of the screaming! I'm tired! How did I create this monster? I really do love her, but I feel like I need to just leave for a month so she can learn to be good for someone else and then I'll come back. Seriously... it's just me. If I leave the house for something, she might be a little whiny and clingy, but there are no screaming fits, even when she's tired. I know she loves me... that's why she wants to be around me ALL. THE. TIME! I just wish she had a better way of showing her love.
It makes me wonder, am I doing something wrong? How did she get like this? Is there something wrong with her? Is she in pain of some sort that causes her to be so irritable? She had reflux, pretty severely when she was younger... maybe that came back and her tummy always hurts. But, I don't explore that too deeply because I feel like I blame a lot of things on reflux and I worry I'm just imagining it.
Annalyse is not a newborn. We are done with babies, unless God says otherwise. I guess He just wants me to experience what it's like to have a newborn again--a really LOUD, piercing newborn. My house again looks like I have a newborn. I can't get my mind to focus so I can get the things done that need to happen, so it just gets worse and worse. As soon as I start something, the screaming happens, or someone else needs something. I get meals made, but I don't get them cleaned up. My floors aren't swept, mopped, or vacuumed. My bathrooms are pretty gross. I had been getting better with it , but I feel like it's all gone down the drain. When you have a newborn, it's ok. You're recovering and you're learning to take care of a tiny human being. When you have an almost 20 month old, you're not still supposed to be sleeping when baby sleeps, you're not expecting to have to sit on the couch holding a child for hours at a time, you're not supposed to have to get up multiple times during the night or never be able to count on a nap time routine.
I guess I'll go see if I can find some energy in a workout.
*** I changed my clothes for a workout and went downstairs to post this blog. As I was making the last editing changes, the screaming started. I went back up and sat on her floor. She's sleeping again, but I don't have time for my workout. Reid is still "whispering" so I won't get a nap. I have enough time for a run, but I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon to leave 2 small children at home by themselves, even if it is only for 30 minutes. I guess I'll see what I can do with my coupons.
