The Voice of a Compliment

Yesterday, I'm standing at the kitchen table, looking at a recipe on my lap top while talking to my husband (gotta be a mulit-tasker).  I closed my computer and looked up at my husband, sitting across the table.

"You look good in that clothes," he says.

Me, being me, I have to get clarification.  I'm wearing, you guessed it, athletic shorts (albeit shorter and smaller than my typical basketball shorts) and a t-shirt.  I also have not showered yet today... my workout didn't happen and I was still hoping to squeeze it in, so I hadn't showered.  

"Meaning I look thin?  Or hot?  Or... what did you mean?"

He paused for a while.  Like, long enough I thought he wasn't going to answer (you'll learn that about him, he takes lllloooonnnnggg pauses--sometimes to my utter frustration).  "You can tell you've lost a lot of weight in that outfit."

"Thanks," I say.  And, despite not having showered and the irony of what I'm wearing, I appreciate the compliment.

*              *              *                *              *

We're in the bedroom.  He's just finished brushing his teeth and I'm getting undressed to take a shower.  We pass as we switch places and he pauses in front of me.  "You look hot without any clothes on."

I smile, "Thanks."

"You look hot with clothes on, too."

"Thanks,"  and I continue in to take my shower.  

I start thinking... I believed him.  I appreciated the compliment, and I believed him both times.  Here's the thing, him saying these things is nothing new.  It's not a daily occurrence, but it is frequent and it's not because he wants something.  

I used to not believe him.  

When he said it previously, I would smile and sometimes say thank you or something to brush it off or sarcastic.  I never believed he meant it.  I was always sure he was just saying it because he was supposed to.  How could he think I was hot?  I was 50 pounds heavier than I was when we got married, my boobs require a heavy duty bra to look even remotely presentable, I have stretch marks, I'm not wearing makeup, my hair is a mess... and the list goes on.  

He did not suddenly change how he was saying it or the feeling behind it, so why do I believe him now?  Because I feel better about myself.  I've lost 20 pounds and that has been a huge confidence booster.  I'm still "medically" overweight, my boobs still sag, I still have stretch marks, I wasn't wearing makeup, my hair was out of the ponytail it had been in all day... all of those "flaws" were still there, but I like myself more.  It really has nothing to do with the 20 pounds, it has everything to do with perspective.  He thought I was hot before and now.  I feel healthier and prettier because of my inside.  

It's sad that society has trained us that there is one finite meaning of beauty and if you don't fit that, you should be ashamed.  Yes, I was and still am overweight and in order to be healthy I am trying to shed that extra weight.  But beauty has very little to do with the outside.  And beauty is about seeing the loveliness of who you are and what those things mean... I have stretch marks--I've had four kids, I have a right and they are a permanent marker to show the amazing thing God was able to do with my body.  I may not want to put them on display, but they're nothing to be ashamed of.  I weigh too much--again, I've had four kids, it happens.  In order to treat my body as a temple, I strive to be healthier, but my body will never fit the Hollywood's image of a perfect specimen and that's ok!  I don't do a lot to "dress up" when I'm at home--being a mom is dirty work and my kids will think I'm beautiful whether I'm wearing makeup or not.  My youngest son told me the other day that I looked really pretty with the pink flower my daughter insisted I put in my hair instead of hers.

What's important now is that I'm glorifying God with my body and using my fitness to teach my kids about being healthy and treating our bodies as a temple, in His image.  

And I have a husband who thinks I'm hot and I believe him!

The Voice of Competition

At some point I'll probably stop titling every post with voice, but I guess today is not that day.

I'm a competitor.  I've known this about myself for a long time now.  I played sports, I worked hard in school, I strove to do my best.  I want to succeed.  It's just what I do.  This can be a very good thing.  We should always do our best, right?  At other times it's not so good... I find myself comparing my kids to others... comparing myself to other women... comparing the state of my house to others... comparing my writing to other writers... creating a competition in my head.  That's not good for anyone.  We are who we are and we aren't meant to be like anyone else.  

What I've recently learned about myself is that I don't have to have another person in order to compete.  In working out, I am able to push myself because I need to do better than I did the last time... add another circuit, add another mile, take off a few more seconds...  That's good.  It's why I've been able to finally do my whole video and why I've been able to run almost three and a half miles in one trip (that's something I NEVER thought I would say).  It's why I've officially lost 20 pounds!  (That's right, Friday's weigh in was kind.)

Sometimes, though, it's a little irritating.

Today I went for a run.  I don't usually work out on Saturday.  I thought about not going because I was sore from my new workout yesterday, I didn't need to run... I had already burned more than the necessary amount of calories for the week.  But, I didn't get to run all week (did I just say "get to run?") and I knew I probably wouldn't get to go next week.  It would also get me out of the house. By. My. Self.  I decided to go, to do the short route (still over 2 miles and I'm calling that short?), to take it easy and try to work out some of the kinks from yesterdays workout.  

I couldn't do it... I still checked my watch at the corners (when I first started running, I had to limit myself to checking when I turned so I wouldn't drive myself crazy) and compared those times to my usual times.  It felt good to run (whoa! wait... what?) and I really wasn't feeling too tired.  I tried to remind myself that I wanted to take my time, but I didn't really slow down.  I did not finish with a new fastest time, but I did finish less than 30 seconds slower than my fastest time.  Maybe next time I want to take it easy I'll have to let one of the kids come along... they keep asking and that would probably slow me down.  :)

A New Voice

I thought I would try to lighten things up a bit so you don't think all I have are dark, sad thoughts.  I can't believe I'm actually putting this all out there, but I guess I will.  

I don't want to give credit to anyone, least of all the people who hurt me so badly and I'm not--not really.  But, I guess, after I had picked up the pieces of myself and I was ready to try to move on I needed to find somewhere I could be successful. I know, my kids are proof that I'm successful, but that wasn't really the point.  I might be mom and I might be successful, but feeling success with them is so dependent on the day and their moods.  I needed something where I could see the progress on a consistent basis.

I've been "trying" to lose weight for over a year, starting shortly after my daughter was born.  Well, if we're being honest, I've been "trying" to lose weight since a few months before I was pregnant with my first son.  After we got married, I was tired of being on a diet and quit thinking about the food I was putting into my mouth.  I gained around 30 pounds (I had lost about that much in the year before our wedding).  Finally, this May I started to have some success.  I was forcing myself to eat healthier and take smaller portions.  On my own I lost four pounds. A small amount, but it felt HUGE to me. I joined a group of moms on Facebook who wanted to get healthier and lose weight.  It's a secret group, so I'll leave out the name, but these ladies gave me the accountability that I needed to really get serious.  We started a 6-week biggest loser competition as further motivation.

This picture was taken on June 3.  I had lost four pounds and was starting a biggest loser competition. Wet hair, no make up... just out of the shower.

 I lost another 9 pounds during the competition and made huge strides in my personal fitness.  I have a workout video, Jillian Michaels: No More Trouble Zones, that I started with.  I felt successful when I completed 2 of the 7 circuits when I started.  Then I added a third and then a fourth.  Then I got a little bored with just the same video and I started running.  Let me just tell you, I HATE running!  But, when you're at your brother-in-law's house and you don't want to do your video with everyone watching, what are you gonna do?  I ran 16 minutes that first time and another 5 after I walked for a while.  I gradually added more time and distance to my runs, eliminating the walking, and alternated them with my video workouts.  I wasn't taking measurements, but I know I lost inches.  I remember taking a size medium shirt and size 8 shorts into the fitting room, knowing I would regret it.  Instead, I bought both.  Yay!

Also during this competition one of the other moms mentioned SparkPeople.  I had never wanted to track calories... it was just too overwhelming and seemed like waayyy too much work.  But, I looked at this free website and decided to give it a shot.  One of the BEST decisions I've ever made.  On Sparkpeople you answer some questions (weight, weight loss goals, fitness goals, time frame, etc) and it comes up with the range of calories you should be consuming in a day.  Then, it offers meal plans for each day to reach those goals, or you can enter your own foods.  There is also a recipe calculator so you can get the exact number of calories for that piece of banana bread you had, plus a recipe database.  It's a lot of work at first, but once you get the foods in there that you eat the most, it really doesn't take that long.  SparkPeople has a bunch of other stuff like forums and points you earn, but you can participate as much or as little as you want.  I also like that my plan breaks down my calories and shows me how many carbs (yes I should be getting them), fats and proteins I should be getting to make a balanced diet. It doesn't tell me to cut anything out. As long as I continue with my plan and keep being good with my calories, I should be at my goal weight by March.  Right now I'm actually a little ahead of my goal (I found that out with the handy little chart the website put together for me). 

This was after the first 6 week competition.  I had lost a total of 13 pounds. Taken July 15.  Just before a run.

I won the competition, by the way.  No prize except bragging rights, but I still felt pretty good.

I didn't really change anything after the competition ended.  This is a lifestyle change for me.  I'm not on a diet and I'm not cutting out certain foods.  I am changing the way I think about food and concentrating on making healthier choices while still leaving myself room to make some of the less healthy choices.  I practice portion control and try to save the treats for special occasions.  Sometimes I need a break or there's company in town and I don't track my calories for a couple of days.  That doesn't mean I just forget about being healthy, it just means I know that I might be making some less healthy choices and I don't want my calorie counter making me feel guilty for enjoying myself. 

Last Friday we started another competition.  This time for eight weeks.  I weighed in five pounds lighter than I ended the previous competition.  I weigh in again today, so we'll see after my workout, but I should be at least another pound down. 

Before pictures for the 2nd competition.  18 pounds total weight loss.  Taken Aug. 2 Pardon the sweat... this was after a run. Please note: I've almost got abs!

My Voice

***EDIT: I started this blog a little over a year ago because I was really struggling and needed an outlet for everything going on in my head.  A lot has changed and the struggle has lessened.  I still think this post is a good one to explain who I am.  Although the need to write is still there, it's not because I simply must get it out anymore.  It's because writing is something I love to do.  I'm sure you'll be seeing some of the emotionally draining posts, but things are a lot different for me now and they were learning experiences that might help someone else.  So, here's how I introduced myself last August.  

I'm Katie. I wear lots of hats and am a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Lately, I've been feeling a little lost, I'm sure I'll be explaining why later. I don't know exactly who I am to me or what my voice is.  I know I am important in the lives of lots of people and I matter to them, but why do I matter to myself?  So, that's why I'm starting this blog, to find my voice.  

Here's what you might need to know about me:
                1.  I was a secondary ed. English major in college (I'm a writer though and I don't get all hung up on the parts of speech and grammar and all that, so please don't judge my incorrectness, intentional or otherwise.) and taught for three years in a Lutheran high school (same place my husband still works) before staying at home with our kids.
                2.  I have a coaching minor.  I coached JV girls basketball and throwing in track for the three years I taught.  I coached 7th and 8th grade boys at my kids' school for one year.  I was the boys varsity assistant at the school where my husband works and then I was hired to be the head coach for the girls basketball team.  I'm not anymore (I'll explain later).
                3.  I wrote a book.  It's not published or even close, but I wrote it.
                4.  I have four kids, whom I love dearly, even if they do drive me crazy sometimes.  I am a stay at home mom.
                5.  My husband, Josh, and I met in college (both throwers on the track team) and we've been married for 10 years.  I also love him dearly and would feel lost without him to help me muddle through.
                6.  I'm a Christian.  You can take it or leave it, but God plays a big role in my life and He will come into this conversation.  Again, I love him dearly and would be lost without Him.
                7.  I have not suffered any real tragedy in my life.  Both of my parents are living, my kids and husband are healthy, I'm healthy.  Sure, I've lost a couple of relatives, but on the whole, I don't know tragedy.  So, if my problems seem small compared to yours, believe me, I know they are, but to me, they feel big.

I will warn you... I've been struggling with some things lately, hence the need to find my voice, so things around here might feel a little depressing for a while. I want to work through these things and writing is how I do that, so that's what I'm doing.  As a stay at home mom, I am seriously lacking in adult conversation so I'm talking to all of you.  I can promise some lightness though... my kids are frequently quite hilarious and I am happy to share those anecdotes with you.  This blog is just me; my thoughts, my family, my faith.  I can't tell you what I'll put on here because I don't know that yet.  Hopefully you'll keep reading and find out.