"You look good in that clothes," he says.
Me, being me, I have to get clarification. I'm wearing, you guessed it, athletic shorts (albeit shorter and smaller than my typical basketball shorts) and a t-shirt. I also have not showered yet today... my workout didn't happen and I was still hoping to squeeze it in, so I hadn't showered.
"Meaning I look thin? Or hot? Or... what did you mean?"
He paused for a while. Like, long enough I thought he wasn't going to answer (you'll learn that about him, he takes lllloooonnnnggg pauses--sometimes to my utter frustration). "You can tell you've lost a lot of weight in that outfit."
"Thanks," I say. And, despite not having showered and the irony of what I'm wearing, I appreciate the compliment.
* * * * *
We're in the bedroom. He's just finished brushing his teeth and I'm getting undressed to take a shower. We pass as we switch places and he pauses in front of me. "You look hot without any clothes on."
I smile, "Thanks."
"You look hot with clothes on, too."
"Thanks," and I continue in to take my shower.
I start thinking... I believed him. I appreciated the compliment, and I believed him both times. Here's the thing, him saying these things is nothing new. It's not a daily occurrence, but it is frequent and it's not because he wants something.
I used to not believe him.
When he said it previously, I would smile and sometimes say thank you or something to brush it off or sarcastic. I never believed he meant it. I was always sure he was just saying it because he was supposed to. How could he think I was hot? I was 50 pounds heavier than I was when we got married, my boobs require a heavy duty bra to look even remotely presentable, I have stretch marks, I'm not wearing makeup, my hair is a mess... and the list goes on.
He did not suddenly change how he was saying it or the feeling behind it, so why do I believe him now? Because I feel better about myself. I've lost 20 pounds and that has been a huge confidence booster. I'm still "medically" overweight, my boobs still sag, I still have stretch marks, I wasn't wearing makeup, my hair was out of the ponytail it had been in all day... all of those "flaws" were still there, but I like myself more. It really has nothing to do with the 20 pounds, it has everything to do with perspective. He thought I was hot before and now. I feel healthier and prettier because of my inside.
It's sad that society has trained us that there is one finite meaning of beauty and if you don't fit that, you should be ashamed. Yes, I was and still am overweight and in order to be healthy I am trying to shed that extra weight. But beauty has very little to do with the outside. And beauty is about seeing the loveliness of who you are and what those things mean... I have stretch marks--I've had four kids, I have a right and they are a permanent marker to show the amazing thing God was able to do with my body. I may not want to put them on display, but they're nothing to be ashamed of. I weigh too much--again, I've had four kids, it happens. In order to treat my body as a temple, I strive to be healthier, but my body will never fit the Hollywood's image of a perfect specimen and that's ok! I don't do a lot to "dress up" when I'm at home--being a mom is dirty work and my kids will think I'm beautiful whether I'm wearing makeup or not. My youngest son told me the other day that I looked really pretty with the pink flower my daughter insisted I put in my hair instead of hers.
What's important now is that I'm glorifying God with my body and using my fitness to teach my kids about being healthy and treating our bodies as a temple, in His image.
And I have a husband who thinks I'm hot and I believe him!
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