The Voice of a Screaming Toddler

Edit: I remembered writing this and decided to look back at it and see when it was and if the same things I was remembering are the same things that are happening now.  They are... to a degree and in a year-older way.  She's sleeping fine, and I'm so thankful for that!  But, she screams all the time.  She screams herself hoarse and we've been talking about using a nice voice and not hurting her voice.  Can toddlers get that disorder where weather and seasons affect them?  I think we're at almost the same time of year and she's always screaming and needing me.  Sometimes she's so so sweet, but most of the time she's screaming, if she's not watching tv or sleeping.  I think I'm doing ok staying calm and using a calm voice most of the time (this morning was a bit rough) and sometimes that helps, but I really just can't stand the screaming and I don't know how to make it stop!  Can anyone relate?  Is this just a 2-year-old girl?

Let me just start out by saying, I love my daughter and I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.  

That said... Today I was reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to Reid.  We came to this page: 

"I do not like this one so well.  All he does is yell, yell yell. I will not have this one about.
When he comes in I put him out."

And... I thought of my daughter.  It's the perfect description of this adorable little girl, except that I don't have the option of putting her out.  But seriously, all she does is yell, yell, yell!

For whatever reason (I guess I've caused it, but I can't figure out what I did) she thinks I need to be within sight at all times.  Sometimes within touch.  If it isn't happening the way she wants, she screams.  I'm not talking crying, I'm talking full out, angry, screaming at the top of her lungs. EVERY. TIME.

I take her and a sibling or more downstairs to watch her favorite show, PAW Patrol and I get it turned on and head back upstairs.  Sometimes she waits a couple of minutes, sometimes it's immediate, but I always hear, "Moooommmeeeyyy!!!!" and then she follows me upstairs, crying. She usually wants me to go back down with her to watch, "auf!" (That's a bark.) and gets mad when I don't.  Again, with the screaming.

I'm loading the dishwasher and she thinks I should hold her so she pushes her way between me and the sink and screams.  She sees something she wants, so she screams.  I gave her something, but it wasn't the right thing, she screams.  I looked at her, I didn't look at her, I shifted to get more comfortable (she thought I might be thinking about going into a different room)... all of it makes her scream. I try to feed her lunch, it's even something she likes, she screams.  Dinner... I make the same thing for everyone and if she doesn't recognize it she won't put it in her mouth and... you guessed it, she screams. I don't just give her everything she wants. I've started making her "be nice" and say please before I do something that she screamed about, but she continues to scream.  

Sleeping has gotten... um... interesting as well.  She got a new bed last week.  It's still a crib, it's actually the one her brother had as a toddler bed in the same room with her old bed.  We moved it to the same spot as her old one and put all of the same bedding and stuffed animals (her brothers think she needs about 15) in the crib.  The first three nights she slept great.  Then she started waking up.  The first two nights she woke up and I could tell she wasn't going to go back to sleep easily, I took her in bed with us.  This did not go well and neither my husband nor I got much sleep after she came in bed with us.  So... the third night I decided she was staying in her bed.  She screamed FOR. THREE. HOURS.  That's right, three hours.  I went in there several times.  I tried to give her the pacifier, she wouldn't take it.  I tried to lay her down and rub her back, she got up and screamed louder.  I turned on a music cd, she screamed.  I finally went in there and sat on her floor until she went to sleep... she got quiet--she'd already woken 4 of the other 5 people in the house--but she would not lay down.  She stood and then knelt against the side.  She finally laid down and went back to sleep.  About that time my husband gave up on sleeping and got up to go on his early morning walk. I snuck in another 45 minutes of sleep.  The next night she woke up 4 times.  Twice I had to sit on her floor in the cold for 20 minutes each, once my husband went in for about 30 seconds and left and she didn't make another sound, the last time I brought her in bed with me so I could hopefully get that last hour of sleep.  The next night she slept all night... not sure why or how.  The following night her brother woke up 3 times and she woke up once, again I sat on the floor for a while.  Last night she woke up twice.  I was too tired to check the clock, but she did go to sleep faster than 20 minutes.  At nap times I've had to let her scream until I get Reid in bed (he has to sleep in a different room because he wakes her up if he goes in there) and then I had to sit on the floor until she fell asleep.  She's also been waking up and screaming at least once during nap time.  On Monday I didn't get any workout in and on Wednesday I only got a short workout because she woke up twice and wouldn't let me leave.  

I'm tired of the screaming!  I'm tired!  How did I create this monster?  I really do love her, but I feel like I need to just leave for a month so she can learn to be good for someone else and then I'll come back.  Seriously... it's just me.  If I leave the house for something, she might be a little whiny and clingy, but there are no screaming fits, even when she's tired.  I know she loves me... that's why she wants to be around me ALL. THE. TIME!  I just wish she had a better way of showing her love.

It makes me wonder, am I doing something wrong?  How did she get like this?  Is there something wrong with her?  Is she in pain of some sort that causes her to be so irritable?  She had reflux, pretty severely when she was younger... maybe that came back and her tummy always hurts.  But, I don't explore that too deeply because I feel like I blame a lot of things on reflux and I worry I'm just imagining it.

Annalyse is not a newborn.  We are done with babies, unless God says otherwise.  I guess He just wants me to experience what it's like to have a newborn again--a really LOUD, piercing newborn.  My house again looks like I have a newborn.  I can't get my mind to focus so I can get the things done that need to happen, so it just gets worse and worse.  As soon as I start something, the screaming happens, or someone else needs something.  I get meals made, but  I don't get them cleaned up.  My floors aren't swept, mopped, or vacuumed.  My bathrooms are pretty gross.  I had been getting better with it , but I feel like it's all gone down the drain.  When you have a newborn, it's ok.  You're recovering and you're learning to take care of a tiny human being.  When you have an almost 20 month old, you're not still supposed to be sleeping when baby sleeps, you're not expecting to have to sit on the couch holding a child for hours at a time, you're not supposed to have to get up multiple times during the night or never be able to count on a nap time routine.

I'm exhausted.  I was going to skip my workout and take a nap.  I sat down to write this blog while I waited for Reid to sleep... it's the time I either have to start working out or I won't have time for a shower after.  Reid is still "whispering" to himself (I can hear him across the house), so I guess I'll go change to workout.  No sense trying to sleep when he's going to just wake me up, and Annalyse will probably start screaming as soon as I lay down anyway.  She'll probably start as soon as I'm good and sweaty, too.  

I guess I'll go see if I can find some energy in a workout.

*** I changed my clothes for a workout and went downstairs to post this blog.  As I was making the last editing changes, the screaming started.  I went back up and sat on her floor.  She's sleeping again, but I don't have time for my workout.  Reid is still "whispering" so I won't get a nap.  I have enough time for a run, but I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon to leave 2 small children at home by themselves, even if it is only for 30 minutes.  I guess I'll see what I can do with my coupons.  

If You Take a Kid to the Store

If you take a kid to the store,
he's probably going to need one of those little green carts to push by himself. 
If he has one of those little carts,
he's probably going to want to put things in it,
and you'll have to follow him around putting everything back. 
If you put everything back,
he's going to turn around and try to pick it up again,
this will make him drive a little crazy and he might bump into someone or knock over a display. 
So, you'll have to pick him up and buckle him into your cart. 
He won't like that very much and will probably start to cry--LOUDLY. 
You'll try to distract him with a snack so you can finish your shopping.
He'll stop crying,
but he'll leave a trail of Cheerios that you'll have to pick up and stuff into your pocket. 
Once he's finished the cheerios,
he'll start whining again,
so you'll hand him a yogurt to hold and, chances are,
if you give him a yogurt to hold,
he's going to want a little green cart to put it in.

An Unexpected Voice

So, I've had this post floating around in my head for a few days.  It was spurred by Fit Mama Training.  Let me start by saying, I really like what she's doing and I applaud most of what she says.  There are a few things, I think largely because my basis comes from my faith, that cause me to raise my eyebrows, but her message is a good one.  Her whole premise is that there is no set definition of beauty and everyone is beautiful.  I love that she talks about weight loss not being the ultimate reason for working out and eating healthy and that being healthy feels good.  At one point she said, if you want a cookie, have a cookie.  Make sure it's a good one and don't waste in on a stale, boring cookie, but if you want a cookie, eat a cookie!  Your body is a result of the way you live and if you're happy with your life and with what your body can do, that's what matters.  Basically, live life to the fullest.  I do get a little hung up on her idea that you should do what feels good... sometimes very unhealthy things feel good.  But, the post that brought all of this about was:

"I just don't appreciate comments about my body. I mean, if someone wants to tell me I look nice, that's fine. But I don't internalize that. If I decide that compliments = awesomeness then I have to also take in the negative remarks. I'd rather support my own confidence. That said, in general I'm just not into it. I understand that leaving the house means the possibility of others looking at me and forming opinions. But I also think there are a lot more interesting things to think and make comments about then body parts. And I guess I'd rather talk to people with more interesting s*%t to say than rather or not my stomach is awesome looking." (posted Sept. 8)

I totally get what she's saying and I agree that we can't let what others think of us define us.   God defines who we are and our treatment of ourselves should be a reflection of that (which is a little different than doing what feels good, but a similar idea).  But, isn't it nice to hear someone say you look nice?  I mean, if you've been working really hard to get healthy (and that probably means losing weight and building muscle and tone) isn't it nice to have someone affirm (even if you already know it) that your hard work is paying off?  Even if this hard work is something you enjoy, it's nice to hear that someone else notices.  It's ok for those comments to make you feel good.  It's not because you're equating skinny with awesome or that you're defining yourself by what someone else says.  It's the same as feeling good about someone telling you that muffin you baked was delicious or the event you put together was a huge hit... you put forth some effort and someone is recognizing that.  

Yesterday someone I don't know asked me if I ran, because my calves were amazing.  I kinda laughed a little bit, on the inside,  because it seemed like a strange thing to get complimented about and it was very out of the blue.  BUT, it made me feel good.  I've been working out A LOT and that's why my calves look like they do.  It was affirmation that my hard work and sweat have paid off.  I know my body has changed for the better because of the food and fitness choices I make, but it's nice to hear that other people (even strangers) are able to see this as well.  Isn't it nice to to have something you already know confirmed by someone else?  For me, it makes it that much more real.  Then it's not just me being overconfident or seeing things that aren't really there.  

But, if positive comments build us up, that does mean that negative comments can tear us down.  It's true.  We live in a sinful world and words of others can hurt.  It's especially true if it's something we see as a weakness in ourselves and then we have that confirmed.  I'm not saying that it's right for others to judge us, but it happens and sometimes we can get hurt by those judgements.  But, those criticisms can become a positive... If someone criticizes something about me, I can take it in and let it drag me down and decide I'm a terrible person.  OR... I can hear it, possibly be a little hurt by it, think about it and let it help me make a change for the better.  Or, if it is something completely unfounded, just let it roll off.  If there is something you don't like about yourself, you either need to learn to accept it or figure out how to change it.  You need to love yourself.  You also need to be aware that you have flaws (and I'm not talking about the stretch marks or the roll that hangs over your pants, those aren't real flaws) and either stop seeing them as flaws or find a way to change them.  

I know, everything goes back to this, but... I might not have liked it at the time, but I NEEDED feedback, especially negative, about my coaching.  I wasn't getting any feedback and I didn't know I wasn't meeting expectations.  I couldn't make changes that I didn't know were necessary.  Negative feedback has it's place and even though it can be hurtful, it can help us become better.

I realize Fit Mama wasn't talking about anything but body image.  I think, though, that we have to be willing to take positive and negative comments about other things and if we're going to do that, we also have to be willing to take them about our bodies as well. A negative comment can become motivation to run an extra 5 minutes or lift an extra 5 pounds.  Comments from other people about us, in any way, shape or form, do NOT define who we are, but they can help form us for the better.  God puts those people and their words in our lives for a purpose and it's our job to allow that purpose.  God wants us to love ourselves, we are created in his image and we need to do our best to preserve and build that image.  Sometimes that happens through what others say to us, good or bad.  

You never know when God might be using you to help shape someone else.  Do everything in love, and don't be afraid to help make someone's day!

The Voice of a Compliment

Yesterday, I'm standing at the kitchen table, looking at a recipe on my lap top while talking to my husband (gotta be a mulit-tasker).  I closed my computer and looked up at my husband, sitting across the table.

"You look good in that clothes," he says.

Me, being me, I have to get clarification.  I'm wearing, you guessed it, athletic shorts (albeit shorter and smaller than my typical basketball shorts) and a t-shirt.  I also have not showered yet today... my workout didn't happen and I was still hoping to squeeze it in, so I hadn't showered.  

"Meaning I look thin?  Or hot?  Or... what did you mean?"

He paused for a while.  Like, long enough I thought he wasn't going to answer (you'll learn that about him, he takes lllloooonnnnggg pauses--sometimes to my utter frustration).  "You can tell you've lost a lot of weight in that outfit."

"Thanks," I say.  And, despite not having showered and the irony of what I'm wearing, I appreciate the compliment.

*              *              *                *              *

We're in the bedroom.  He's just finished brushing his teeth and I'm getting undressed to take a shower.  We pass as we switch places and he pauses in front of me.  "You look hot without any clothes on."

I smile, "Thanks."

"You look hot with clothes on, too."

"Thanks,"  and I continue in to take my shower.  

I start thinking... I believed him.  I appreciated the compliment, and I believed him both times.  Here's the thing, him saying these things is nothing new.  It's not a daily occurrence, but it is frequent and it's not because he wants something.  

I used to not believe him.  

When he said it previously, I would smile and sometimes say thank you or something to brush it off or sarcastic.  I never believed he meant it.  I was always sure he was just saying it because he was supposed to.  How could he think I was hot?  I was 50 pounds heavier than I was when we got married, my boobs require a heavy duty bra to look even remotely presentable, I have stretch marks, I'm not wearing makeup, my hair is a mess... and the list goes on.  

He did not suddenly change how he was saying it or the feeling behind it, so why do I believe him now?  Because I feel better about myself.  I've lost 20 pounds and that has been a huge confidence booster.  I'm still "medically" overweight, my boobs still sag, I still have stretch marks, I wasn't wearing makeup, my hair was out of the ponytail it had been in all day... all of those "flaws" were still there, but I like myself more.  It really has nothing to do with the 20 pounds, it has everything to do with perspective.  He thought I was hot before and now.  I feel healthier and prettier because of my inside.  

It's sad that society has trained us that there is one finite meaning of beauty and if you don't fit that, you should be ashamed.  Yes, I was and still am overweight and in order to be healthy I am trying to shed that extra weight.  But beauty has very little to do with the outside.  And beauty is about seeing the loveliness of who you are and what those things mean... I have stretch marks--I've had four kids, I have a right and they are a permanent marker to show the amazing thing God was able to do with my body.  I may not want to put them on display, but they're nothing to be ashamed of.  I weigh too much--again, I've had four kids, it happens.  In order to treat my body as a temple, I strive to be healthier, but my body will never fit the Hollywood's image of a perfect specimen and that's ok!  I don't do a lot to "dress up" when I'm at home--being a mom is dirty work and my kids will think I'm beautiful whether I'm wearing makeup or not.  My youngest son told me the other day that I looked really pretty with the pink flower my daughter insisted I put in my hair instead of hers.

What's important now is that I'm glorifying God with my body and using my fitness to teach my kids about being healthy and treating our bodies as a temple, in His image.  

And I have a husband who thinks I'm hot and I believe him!

The Voice of Competition

At some point I'll probably stop titling every post with voice, but I guess today is not that day.

I'm a competitor.  I've known this about myself for a long time now.  I played sports, I worked hard in school, I strove to do my best.  I want to succeed.  It's just what I do.  This can be a very good thing.  We should always do our best, right?  At other times it's not so good... I find myself comparing my kids to others... comparing myself to other women... comparing the state of my house to others... comparing my writing to other writers... creating a competition in my head.  That's not good for anyone.  We are who we are and we aren't meant to be like anyone else.  

What I've recently learned about myself is that I don't have to have another person in order to compete.  In working out, I am able to push myself because I need to do better than I did the last time... add another circuit, add another mile, take off a few more seconds...  That's good.  It's why I've been able to finally do my whole video and why I've been able to run almost three and a half miles in one trip (that's something I NEVER thought I would say).  It's why I've officially lost 20 pounds!  (That's right, Friday's weigh in was kind.)

Sometimes, though, it's a little irritating.

Today I went for a run.  I don't usually work out on Saturday.  I thought about not going because I was sore from my new workout yesterday, I didn't need to run... I had already burned more than the necessary amount of calories for the week.  But, I didn't get to run all week (did I just say "get to run?") and I knew I probably wouldn't get to go next week.  It would also get me out of the house. By. My. Self.  I decided to go, to do the short route (still over 2 miles and I'm calling that short?), to take it easy and try to work out some of the kinks from yesterdays workout.  

I couldn't do it... I still checked my watch at the corners (when I first started running, I had to limit myself to checking when I turned so I wouldn't drive myself crazy) and compared those times to my usual times.  It felt good to run (whoa! wait... what?) and I really wasn't feeling too tired.  I tried to remind myself that I wanted to take my time, but I didn't really slow down.  I did not finish with a new fastest time, but I did finish less than 30 seconds slower than my fastest time.  Maybe next time I want to take it easy I'll have to let one of the kids come along... they keep asking and that would probably slow me down.  :)

A New Voice

I thought I would try to lighten things up a bit so you don't think all I have are dark, sad thoughts.  I can't believe I'm actually putting this all out there, but I guess I will.  

I don't want to give credit to anyone, least of all the people who hurt me so badly and I'm not--not really.  But, I guess, after I had picked up the pieces of myself and I was ready to try to move on I needed to find somewhere I could be successful. I know, my kids are proof that I'm successful, but that wasn't really the point.  I might be mom and I might be successful, but feeling success with them is so dependent on the day and their moods.  I needed something where I could see the progress on a consistent basis.

I've been "trying" to lose weight for over a year, starting shortly after my daughter was born.  Well, if we're being honest, I've been "trying" to lose weight since a few months before I was pregnant with my first son.  After we got married, I was tired of being on a diet and quit thinking about the food I was putting into my mouth.  I gained around 30 pounds (I had lost about that much in the year before our wedding).  Finally, this May I started to have some success.  I was forcing myself to eat healthier and take smaller portions.  On my own I lost four pounds. A small amount, but it felt HUGE to me. I joined a group of moms on Facebook who wanted to get healthier and lose weight.  It's a secret group, so I'll leave out the name, but these ladies gave me the accountability that I needed to really get serious.  We started a 6-week biggest loser competition as further motivation.

This picture was taken on June 3.  I had lost four pounds and was starting a biggest loser competition. Wet hair, no make up... just out of the shower.

 I lost another 9 pounds during the competition and made huge strides in my personal fitness.  I have a workout video, Jillian Michaels: No More Trouble Zones, that I started with.  I felt successful when I completed 2 of the 7 circuits when I started.  Then I added a third and then a fourth.  Then I got a little bored with just the same video and I started running.  Let me just tell you, I HATE running!  But, when you're at your brother-in-law's house and you don't want to do your video with everyone watching, what are you gonna do?  I ran 16 minutes that first time and another 5 after I walked for a while.  I gradually added more time and distance to my runs, eliminating the walking, and alternated them with my video workouts.  I wasn't taking measurements, but I know I lost inches.  I remember taking a size medium shirt and size 8 shorts into the fitting room, knowing I would regret it.  Instead, I bought both.  Yay!

Also during this competition one of the other moms mentioned SparkPeople.  I had never wanted to track calories... it was just too overwhelming and seemed like waayyy too much work.  But, I looked at this free website and decided to give it a shot.  One of the BEST decisions I've ever made.  On Sparkpeople you answer some questions (weight, weight loss goals, fitness goals, time frame, etc) and it comes up with the range of calories you should be consuming in a day.  Then, it offers meal plans for each day to reach those goals, or you can enter your own foods.  There is also a recipe calculator so you can get the exact number of calories for that piece of banana bread you had, plus a recipe database.  It's a lot of work at first, but once you get the foods in there that you eat the most, it really doesn't take that long.  SparkPeople has a bunch of other stuff like forums and points you earn, but you can participate as much or as little as you want.  I also like that my plan breaks down my calories and shows me how many carbs (yes I should be getting them), fats and proteins I should be getting to make a balanced diet. It doesn't tell me to cut anything out. As long as I continue with my plan and keep being good with my calories, I should be at my goal weight by March.  Right now I'm actually a little ahead of my goal (I found that out with the handy little chart the website put together for me). 

This was after the first 6 week competition.  I had lost a total of 13 pounds. Taken July 15.  Just before a run.

I won the competition, by the way.  No prize except bragging rights, but I still felt pretty good.

I didn't really change anything after the competition ended.  This is a lifestyle change for me.  I'm not on a diet and I'm not cutting out certain foods.  I am changing the way I think about food and concentrating on making healthier choices while still leaving myself room to make some of the less healthy choices.  I practice portion control and try to save the treats for special occasions.  Sometimes I need a break or there's company in town and I don't track my calories for a couple of days.  That doesn't mean I just forget about being healthy, it just means I know that I might be making some less healthy choices and I don't want my calorie counter making me feel guilty for enjoying myself. 

Last Friday we started another competition.  This time for eight weeks.  I weighed in five pounds lighter than I ended the previous competition.  I weigh in again today, so we'll see after my workout, but I should be at least another pound down. 

Before pictures for the 2nd competition.  18 pounds total weight loss.  Taken Aug. 2 Pardon the sweat... this was after a run. Please note: I've almost got abs!

My Voice

***EDIT: I started this blog a little over a year ago because I was really struggling and needed an outlet for everything going on in my head.  A lot has changed and the struggle has lessened.  I still think this post is a good one to explain who I am.  Although the need to write is still there, it's not because I simply must get it out anymore.  It's because writing is something I love to do.  I'm sure you'll be seeing some of the emotionally draining posts, but things are a lot different for me now and they were learning experiences that might help someone else.  So, here's how I introduced myself last August.  

I'm Katie. I wear lots of hats and am a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Lately, I've been feeling a little lost, I'm sure I'll be explaining why later. I don't know exactly who I am to me or what my voice is.  I know I am important in the lives of lots of people and I matter to them, but why do I matter to myself?  So, that's why I'm starting this blog, to find my voice.  

Here's what you might need to know about me:
                1.  I was a secondary ed. English major in college (I'm a writer though and I don't get all hung up on the parts of speech and grammar and all that, so please don't judge my incorrectness, intentional or otherwise.) and taught for three years in a Lutheran high school (same place my husband still works) before staying at home with our kids.
                2.  I have a coaching minor.  I coached JV girls basketball and throwing in track for the three years I taught.  I coached 7th and 8th grade boys at my kids' school for one year.  I was the boys varsity assistant at the school where my husband works and then I was hired to be the head coach for the girls basketball team.  I'm not anymore (I'll explain later).
                3.  I wrote a book.  It's not published or even close, but I wrote it.
                4.  I have four kids, whom I love dearly, even if they do drive me crazy sometimes.  I am a stay at home mom.
                5.  My husband, Josh, and I met in college (both throwers on the track team) and we've been married for 10 years.  I also love him dearly and would feel lost without him to help me muddle through.
                6.  I'm a Christian.  You can take it or leave it, but God plays a big role in my life and He will come into this conversation.  Again, I love him dearly and would be lost without Him.
                7.  I have not suffered any real tragedy in my life.  Both of my parents are living, my kids and husband are healthy, I'm healthy.  Sure, I've lost a couple of relatives, but on the whole, I don't know tragedy.  So, if my problems seem small compared to yours, believe me, I know they are, but to me, they feel big.

I will warn you... I've been struggling with some things lately, hence the need to find my voice, so things around here might feel a little depressing for a while. I want to work through these things and writing is how I do that, so that's what I'm doing.  As a stay at home mom, I am seriously lacking in adult conversation so I'm talking to all of you.  I can promise some lightness though... my kids are frequently quite hilarious and I am happy to share those anecdotes with you.  This blog is just me; my thoughts, my family, my faith.  I can't tell you what I'll put on here because I don't know that yet.  Hopefully you'll keep reading and find out.