The Sound of Happy Tummies

Last night's dinner was a home run.  This is not always the case and sometimes that gets really frustrating.  I get tired of hearing that they don't like it before they've even put it in their mouths.  I also get tired of having to dumb down my own dinner if I don't want to listen to complaints.  I happen to like grown up food and I am not willing to make 2 meals.  Who has time (or energy) for that?  

Last night's meal was not a kiddie meal.  It did not include pizza, or mac and cheese, hot dogs or breaded chicken.  It did include things like broccoli, spinach, tilapia and fresh cranberries (I maybe shouldn't include that in the list because they didn't like that part), but it was a grown up meal.  They all ate it.  All but the oldest had seconds of something.  You may wonder, what was this miracle meal?  I will tell you, but first I need to tell you something else.  This is not food my kids ate the first time they saw it.  This is food they said they didn't like before they tried it on different occasions.  So, as you read this and see what my kids are eating, remember--if you want your kids to be adventurous eaters, it takes hearing the complaints and putting things they "don't like" in front of them over and over and over.  It really works.  Keep at it!  They won't like everything and they won't like the same stuff every time, but just keep trying.  

Ok, so here's what we had...

Tilapia fillets defrosted (my husband did mention that we needed to go fishing so we could get some better fish) broiled in the oven (4 min per side).  Before I put them in the oven, I made a sauce/paste to melt over it.  1/4 cup butter, with some Tastefully Simple Spinach Dip Mix (a tablespoon, maybe), some chopped garlic and some powdered Parmesan cheese all mashed together.  

Then I stirred in about 1/4 cup plain yogurt.  I spread a blob over the top side of each filet, sprinkled a little salt a pepper and broiled it.  Then I flipped it over and did the same but only broiled for 3 minutes.  Then I added a little sprinkle of grated Parmesan and broiled for 1 more minute.  

 I thought it looked great, but it was fish, with a whitish sauce that had green stuff in it.  My kids ate it right up.  The 5- and 2-year-olds asked for seconds and the 7-year-old had thirds and lamented that there wasn't more when he was done.  I was afraid no one would touch it with the green stuff... apparently they've gotten used to that in/on things--at least for one night.

We also had broccoli cheese soup.  It's green, it's pureed, it's mostly broccoli and broth (I do make my own and store it in Ziploc bags in the freezer... when I forget to thaw ahead, I just throw the frozen broth in and let it melt) and also contains onion.  Also, FYI, I'm pretty sure the writer of this recipe serves this soup as the whole meal.  That would never fly in my house, but I have eaten only this for lunch before.

My oldest started out with a bigger serving than the others and he finished it.  The 7-year-old was so full of fish, he ran out of room for seconds, but he had said he was going to have more.  The 5-year-old had seconds and asked me today at lunch if we ate it all last night (I had made a double batch and put the leftovers in the freezer for another meal, so I couldn't give him any for lunch.).  The 2-year-old started with just a little bit and finished it saying, "Dis good oup!"  So, we gave her more, which she also finished.  Previously, she wouldn't even put soup (of any kind) in her mouth.

I had also taken a loaf of Orange Cranberry Bread out of the freezer.  I did not follow this recipe exactly because I always try to make stuff like this a little healthier.  I only used half of the total sugar, but still both kinds and half of the flour was whole wheat.  Typically with stuff like this I only use 1/4 of the oil (a lot of times coconut oil) and use plain yogurt to replace the rest, but this recipe only calls for 3 tablespoons, so I just left that alone.  

This was the thing my kids wouldn't eat... they don't like chunks in their bread unless it's chocolate chips.  They won't eat blueberry muffins, strawberry breads, apple pancakes... fruit should not be cooked into breads, in their minds.  (Banana, pumpkin and zucchini are all fine, as long as there are no chunks.)  They all tasted it.  I don't know how they could say they didn't like it after one bite.  I love this bread!  It's got so much flavor, and with the orange in there, it's not just a fall/winter bread.  It would totally go with a bright spring or summer meal.  Anyway... it wasn't a big deal that they didn't eat it because it was probably the least nutritional of the three things and they had plenty with the other stuff.  But, they all tasted it, and that's what we ask of them.  Just to taste it.  

I won't attempt to say we've got it all figured out--far from it.  But, since I had a success, I thought I'd share in case it might help someone.  Our dinner rules are as follows:

1.  You have to taste everything.  We start out as soon as they're eating table food trying to get them to taste things, but not forcing it. Once they're old enough to understand, we do ask them to have one bite of each thing (our youngest just got old enough for this).  As they get a bit older we might have them take the number of bites to match their age (like the 5-year-old would take 5 bites, unless it's something completely new and/or not really that nutritional, like the bread).  You will stay at the table until you have tried everything (or it's time for bed, or mom and dad get tired of waiting for you to finish, or you have convinced us you might actually be full and/or we are tired of listening to you say you are full off of the 2 bites you ate total) and you will not get something else without trying your food.

2.  It's fine if you're full.  They don't have to eat everything on their plates, but they won't get something else.  If they get too full to finish, they are also too full for dessert, if there is dessert.  (This does not apply to the one thing they may have eaten the required number of bites and still didn't "like.")  I don't want them to have an obsession with a clean plate.  If they're full, they're full.  They shouldn't overeat just to make me happy.  It's just as wasteful to eat it when you're full as it is to throw it away.  This way they can learn to listen to their tummies, instead of watch for visual cues.  (I do think each of them has probably gone to bed hungry on more than one occasion, but it seems like that gets them to be a little more willing to eat new foods the next time.)

These were not always our rules, although we've always had some variation of them for the most part.  Our oldest is still the one who has the most foods he won't eat... eggs, strawberries, bananas, yogurt, kiwi, blueberries, any kind of berries... really, any fruit that's not watermelon, apples, grapes, and pineapple.  I think this has something to do with the fact that we had to figure things out on him.  But, he is also the kid who will eat the most other stuff and complain the least, so I'm a little more willing to let him have his particularities.  He doesn't complain about new foods before trying them and he willingly eats the tastes required in order to move on to the next thing.  Our second complains about everything, frequently ends up liking stuff he said was gross before he tried it and rarely gets to have a food he doesn't eat because we just have a hard time believing him. The 5-year-old is a combination of the older two.  He complains, but will eat what he needs to when he decides he wants to be done.  The two-year-old is actually probably the most adventurous of any of my kids at that age.  She'll put it in her mouth (most of the time) and will try it once. This has gotten her eating things the others still won't touch, like raw sweet pepper strips.

Tonight we are having pizza with homemade crust.  I don't put veggies on theirs, but since I'm making 3 pizzas anyway, I don't mind making one a little more kid-friendly.

Now, if only someone could tell me how to get them eating salad!

P.S. In case you're tempted to think I'm super impressive cooking all this for one night or to think I might actually be super-mom... my kitchen did not get cleaned up last night... all of the dishes sat in the sink and on the counter.  My daughter screamed at me for 15 minutes because she didn't want to go to the bathroom (it had been at least 4 hours) and I haven't vacuumed in well over a month. :)

Struggling to Find a Voice

I promised a happy ending, and it's coming, but things were not happy for a while.  I don't remember a whole lot of detail from the first few weeks after I was fired.  I was hurt and struggling.  Josh was hurt and having to continue to go to work with the people who had fired me and pretend like everything was fine. I was asking permission and then writing emails saying goodbye to my team and their parents.  Josh had to face those kids daily and field questions that might come up.  Thankfully, we leaned on each other and grew closer, rather than letting this get between us.  

Josh had also interviewed for the head football coaching job.  We were not surprised when he did not get it.  I believed he would have had a better chance if I hadn't coached, but he denied it.  This just added to the strain of his job and the difficulty in going to work every day.

Josh began looking for another job.  It was pretty late in the school year for him to be looking and find something, but he had a few interviews.  None of them was quite right, although each place told him he interviewed well, he did not get those jobs.  He even looked in public school and was a finalist there.  We accepted that we would be where we were for at least another year.  

We stayed.  I had a hard time even driving past the school.  Eventually I was able to pick Josh up in the parking lot, but I was never able to bring myself to go back into the building.  Josh continued to struggle going to work, watching people waste opportunities he had not been given.  I can't fathom how difficult it was for him, all I know is that I'm not sure I would have been able to do what he did.  

Now, I don't want to make it seem like no one at the school cared.  There were some conversations (several, I think) between Josh and the principal.  He did admit that they didn't handle the situation well and attempted to make things easier for Josh.  A couple of people talked to the principal on my behalf.  But it was just a tough situation all around.  

Josh continued to keep an eye on possible job openings that would take us closer to either set of our parents or wouldn't require a move and sent his resume to those that might have fit and some that didn't.  Things continued to fall through and we started to think we would have to stay yet another year.  Then Josh found out a small Lutheran grade school near his parents' place was looking for a school administrator. It was the same church his brother and sister-in-law attended. Again, it was kind of late in the school year, and they wanted someone with an administration degree, but he sent in his resume anyway.

He got asked to do a phone interview, and then a second one.  Then, on my oldest's birthday (during his party, as a matter of fact), while we were visiting my parents, Josh got a phone call telling him they would be extending him the call.  This was June 10.  We moved and closed on our new house July 25 and Josh started work the second week of August.

You may be asking, what does this have to do with all of the bad stuff?  Why did you have to tell that?  Sure, it's a happy ending, but so?

The answer is this: If we hadn't had to go through so much, if Josh had been mostly content with his job and only wishing we were closer to family, if he hadn't been second in line for so many jobs in his field, we would probably still be there.  But, we both knew we needed to leave and that is how God got Josh to take a look at this job that was so different from what he had been doing.  God used all of this struggle to get us exactly where he wanted us.  Josh has even said, even maybe 2 years before he would not have taken a second look at this job.  But now he's there, learning all sorts of new things, getting to be at school with his boys every day, and getting to face new and different challenges.  

God is good, all the time!

An Overwhelmed Voice

Yesterday I was just so overwhelmed.  I was stressed and feeling very under
accomplished.

Let me back up a bit. For those of you who don't know, we currently have two houses.  The one in Missouri that we are trying to sell and our new house in Minnesota, where we live.  Selling hasn't been going so well... no offers in 6 months.  

Over Christmas someone broke into the Missouri house and stole the copper and caused some damage to the ceiling.  Both stressful and frustrating for us... I don't understand why it's worth it to people for the little money they'll get for it.  Anyway, this was the final straw that made us decide we'll have to do a short sale.  We didn't really want to hurt our credit, but we're not moving back, we can't keep asking people to babysit, and we don't really have the funds for two mortgages (especially when, if we sell it normally we will have to pay a large amount to the bank at closing).  

Decision made = less stress, right?  Well, you would think, but there's a lot more to it.  There are all kinds of thought processes behind short sale and many different ways to go about it.  Do you fix the problems?  Maybe, it would make the house worth more to get a better offer, but the house will still be vacant and there's nothing to stop the vandals from coming back.  Maybe not, it is distressed so the bank will take less for it, but then you're marketing mostly to investors and the bank might not accept what they want to offer.  

Anyway, I had to do a bunch of research, involving a bunch of phone calls (why don't realtors feel that email is an acceptable way to answer questions?  It makes my life a lot easier if you can't hear that one kid is screaming, one is asking incessant questions, another is climbing on me  and still another is yelling from downstairs that he needs wiped.)  Over the last several days, I've been so focused on getting this all figured out that I don't feel like I've been giving my family the time I should.  I've also gotten way behind on housework... namely the kitchen.  Did I mention that my Christmas decorations were still up?

Over the weekend, we decided that we needed to make a switch in realtors so we could have someone with a different mindset.  We emailed the new realtor to call us when she was on the clock and patiently (or maybe not so much for me) waited until Monday to call our realtor and tell her we needed something different.  I called her yesterday morning, something that was very stressful for me, given my history, but something that we felt needed to happen.  I called and talked to her, hoping after the conversation the decision would be made and we would be able to move forward.  It was not to be... 

She had been doing research and gave me a bunch of information and asked me to make more phone calls to do even more research.  I didn't want to, but figured it was the easiest way to get things moving forward, and I know she really does care how things turn out for us. Taking care of all of this made it so I had to decide to skip my workout (for those of you that know me, this demonstrates exactly how badly I wanted to be done with all of this).  I had to make more phone calls and discuss the new information with Josh.  I emailed a few more questions to the new people and had to, you guessed it, make another phone call to get the answers while all the kids were home and awake because no one has business hours after the kids are in bed (why don't they, by the way?).  

We had the new information and decided we would not switch, as long as our realtor went through this new group she had me talk to.  She would still get commission (a bonus because that was the main reason we felt bad leaving her) and we would get the approach we thought made the most sense.  Again, decision made = less stress.  Again, you would think... but I still felt like I'd been neglecting my family to deal with and stress over this situation, and we still have to do a conference call with our realtor tonight.  Plus, the Christmas decorations were still up, my kitchen still had almost every surface covered with dishes I hadn't had a chance to wash (the ones that won't fit in the dishwasher), my floor was covered in crumbs and my husband still had to leave for a meeting and then bowling so I was going to be doing bed time on my own.  All after a super stressful day of phone calls and decision making.

The kids didn't really cooperate in letting me get things done or in picking up their toys.  I took a picture... after 10 minutes of attempting to load the dishwasher (enough time to be practically done) I had 4 glasses and 2 pieces of silverware loaded.  They kids were supposed to be picking up.  They weren't and they were being loud and wild which inevitably led to tears and I had to deal with all of that. I got even more frustrated and made them get ready for bed early.  After that, I finished the dishwasher and bedtime actually went more smoothly than I was expecting.  

The kids were in bed, I could finally give my body and my brain a rest.  But... the dishes... and the decorations... and the crumbs... and what about a work out?  I knew I couldn't just let myself sit and watch tv or I would regret it come morning.  So, I poured myself a glass of wine, grabbed a piece of dark chocolate and started up a show I had dvred (please note that it is dvred and I could just fast forward whenever I wanted).  

I remembered something my mom used to do... "commercial dishes," we also did "commercial cleaning," but tonight it was dishes that were the focus. I don't know if this is something my mom just came up with out of necessity (after a day like mine or to trick us kids into getting the work done) or if she got the idea from someone else.   Anyway, the idea was that you could get a lot done during the commercials of that show you wanted to watch.  This was before dvrs and online repeats of current shows, so you either had to set up your vcr (if you had one) to record the show or watch it when it played.  In this scenario, you sat and watched your show, but during the commercials you went and did whatever needed done, as quickly as possible.  You left someone (in our house it was usually Dad or my baby brother... not sure how Dad lucked out) by the tv to tell you when it was back so you could come running and reclaim your seat.  I think we probably got a lot done during commercials, and we didn't have to miss our favorite shows.  

So, at the first commercial in my show, I didn't hit fast forward, I got up and filled the sink with soapy water and started adding dishes.  There were enough dishes that I had to drain it and refill it a second time and it took long enough that I wasn't done by the time my show was over, but I got it done without feeling so stressed and run-down.  I was just taking breaks from my break to do a little cleaning.  I got all of the dishes done and wiped down the surfaces.  My Christmas stuff was still up and there were still crumbs on the floor and toys in the living room, but I could go to bed feeling a little better.  There was less to do and the decision had been made so I wouldn't have to spend all day dealing with that.  

I got my Christmas decorations put away today (until I find the couple of odd stowaways that I always seem to miss--I think I just realized the Little People nativity is still out) and it wasn't as bad as I thought, having two little ones to "help" me.  I found some easy tasks for them and we spent some quality time together (another thing I had been missing) getting it done.  

So, what have I learned from yesterday?

1.  There should be a group of businesses that caters to parents and has hours from 7pm until midnight.  Don't you think they'd be very popular?  I would probably be willing to pay more (and for me, that's saying something) if I could take care of all of my business stuff after the kids were in bed.

2.  Realtors don't like to communicate via email.  I do!  

3.  Bedtime goes much more smoothly if you're not racing the clock and it's actually almost pleasant... now to figure out how to make that happen on a nightly basis...

4.  Commercial dishes: Great idea!  Thanks, Mom! 

And finally...

5. Commercials are good for something besides giving your kids the gimmes.

Losing a Voice: The rewrite

This is one post I decided needed enough work that I should start over.  It is important enough to share, though.  The original post was written when I was hurting, confused, and struggling to forgive.  This one is written with a bit more time and space from the events and the ability to see more of the picture.

I'll just come right out and say it.  I was fired.  When I used that phrase with the people who fired me, I was told that I wasn't fired, because fired means you did something wrong.  In the moment I didn't say anything, but with time to process, I still don't get it.  I obviously didn't do something right.  Anyway, here's the story.  

I coached basketball for three years while I was teaching, but gave it up when I decided to stay home.  I coached 7th and 8th grade boys for a year at one point.  Then the boys' head coach for the high school asked me to be an assistant.  I did that for a year and loved it.  I was planning to do it for a second year until I was contacted by the AD and principal to interview for the girls' head coaching job.  Despite some reservations about it being the right time for me, I interviewed, was offered the job and accepted.  

The first year was rough.  The former coach had a very different style from me and changes are always difficult.  The team was young and we struggled.  We only won three games that first season.  But, I still loved it.  

Two days after the season ended, I was in the hospital trying to stop contractions and prevent our fourth child from coming too early.  She was born 5 days later, 4 weeks early.  Transitioning to four kids was difficult for me and I'm fairly certain I suffered from postpartum depression.  I didn't go to the doctor for it... who has time for that?  (At least that's what I told myself.)

3 weeks after she was born, I hosted a faculty basketball game as a fundraiser and an end of season dinner.  My newborn sat in her car seat on the bench behind (still a few days before her "due" date).  I had promised the person who helped me get organized that I would be there, baby or belly.  

Then I gave myself a break, to adjust a bit to life with four kids.  I knew there were summer responsibilities, but hoped that maybe this year we could do just a little bit and add on the next summer.  That was not to be...  Early on I had started working out plans to take the team to a camp I had attended with my high school team.  I only got four girls to commit to going and had to cancel.  I thought, given the circumstances, maybe that would be enough of an effort for that particular summer.  

Meanwhile, we replaced one of my assistants with someone new on the faculty.  I was thrilled because having someone on the faculty makes the wheels turn much more smoothly.  Then we interviewed a second potential coach and liked her.  I was told to fire my other assistant (whom I had not been planning to replace) so we could hire this new coach.  I did, but I didn't choose the best time, place, or words and it hurt our friendship.  We did eventually talk afterward and our relationship began to heal, but it took time, and it was difficult.

I was also working behind the scenes to get new uniforms for the girls.  There is a schedule, but because of missing and/or damaged uniforms and poor size ordering in previous years, we had a hard time finding uniforms to outfit our whole team.  I had tiny girls wearing 2x, because that's all we had.  My goal here was to get the team to look like a team and each girl to be able to wear a uniform that fit.  It was also to show the girls that someone cared about them.  That was one of the reasons we struggled the first year, they (and sometimes I) felt like they didn't matter--who cares about girls basketball?  And, honestly, there weren't many in the school that tried to show them otherwise.

I hosted a grade school camp at the high school during the summer.  I had never done this before and wanted input from the new coach that was in town (the one who would be on the faculty was not available).  I sent emails trying to find out if she had been hired before contacting her and after about three weeks I was told she had.  After emailing her and asking for help on this camp, she told me she had not been hired or even contacted by the school.  This was three days before the camp was to start.  She was still helpful in coming up with ideas and I spent over 20 hours in the next three days (with all four children at home while my husband was working at the high school) getting organized and ready.  We had, what I felt was, a fairly successful camp, with several of the high school girls helping out.

We had also discussed possible (more local) team camps for the girls.  I was planning to get that information out, but I wasn't quick enough to avoid getting reprimanded by a parent the first day of the grade school camp.  I did get the information to the parents and players that evening and had decided that if I could get 5 girls to go, I would take them.  They would be exhausted, but it seemed to be what the administration wanted.  I got 5 to commit on time and ended up with 7.  We were very successful (more than anyone even thought possible) and it was a good jump start to the season.  But, I was exhausted and feeling beat down after taking an exclusively breast-fed infant to a 2-day team camp and finding alternate care for my older three, when the same parent thanked my other new assistant for organizing the whole thing (that coach had been out of town when I did all of the set up).

We'd had several open gyms to prepare for the camp (I struggled to get the girls to show up consistently) and we didn't want to lose our momentum.  My on-staff assistant offered to host some pre-season open gyms, and being that I had four children that I stayed home with, I took him up on it.  The other assistant was there, too.  My understanding of how these are supposed to work is that we can give them a ball and that's about it.  Or, we could do conditioning without a ball, that had to be open to anyone in the school.  The one I tried to attend with my kids did involve a lot of coaching and included balls.  Since I couldn't be available to run them, I didn't step in, but it really bothers me to not follow the rules.  I didn't attend another one because it didn't work with my kids there and because I didn't want to participate in the rule breaking.  I decided to save my limited babysitter funds for during the actual season.

We won 13 games my second year, including a every exciting victory over a rival in overtime at our highest attended game.  We even won our first game in post season.  I began to see the changes in the girls as individuals and as a team that I had been working toward.  They grew closer and began to trust each other and we all grew in our faith.  I saw predictions I had made the year before coming true and I knew they would be even better the next season.  It takes time and patience to build a successful program.  I think they even knew that I and their parents cared, even if they didn't see it from other parts of the school.  And I survived all of this with three boys and a baby who was not yet a year old at the end of the season.  

It was concerning to me that I had not gotten really anything in the way of feedback from "the powers that be" at the school.  The one parent continued to make me feel like dirt and he made it obvious he thought I couldn't coach.  There wasn't really anything I could do about this, and when I talked to a couple of people who knew the situation, they told me not to worry about it.  Apparently that wasn't the right advice, but I'm not sure what I could have done about it.

I again hosted a faculty game and a dinner in the cafeteria.  I presented awards, both real (like conference) and goofy to again show the girls I cared and make them feel special and appreciated.  I also told parents and players what the working plans were for the summer--yep, I already had them outlined.  My efforts on this dinner (including walking to several classrooms to track down girls who had not RSVPed) seemed well worth the effort.  The girls had been honored, their parents had been included, information had been given and we were well on our way to reaching our full potential--that's what happens when they know someone cares.

A few weeks later I had my post season meeting with the principal and athletic director.  I scheduled it during one of Josh's planning periods so he could watch the two kids who weren't in school while I was in my meeting.  I was planning to discuss the season, plans for next year and things to improve.  Instead, after a prayer by the principal, in which he thanked God for my work at the school, I was told that my contract would not be renewed.  Then, not only did I get fired, but I had to sit there and listen to them tell me why, when there was absolutely nothing I could do to change it.  Defending myself didn't matter, explaining situations that they misunderstood wouldn't make a difference... it was already done.

What they told me also showed that they didn't really know me or have an understanding of what had happened during the season.  Wherever they got their information (I think a lot of it came from that one parent, possibly my assistants who both wanted to be head coach, and maybe the two to four games they had seen between the two of them), it was not based on first hand experience and it was never brought to me so I could answer the charges or attempt to make changes.  They told me that I was not passionate about coaching or about coaching in that particular place, I was bad at relationships, I was negative, I didn't know enough about basketball to coach a high school team (from the two men who hired me to do this job), and the huge strides the team had made were to be credited to the two new assistants.

I am not saying that I was perfect.  I know I was not.  I also know that I didn't have the experience that would have been helpful going into this.  But I do know that I did my best and that I am coachable (something everyone should strive to be) and if they had given me the chance, I would have worked to mold my coaching into what they wanted to see.  What they didn't know was the I LOVE coaching.  I am passionate about it.  I think if they had been there to show the girls they cared, they would have had no doubts about my passion.  Coaching was also my break, every late night, frustrating practice, devastating loss and even stressful win, it was all my break.  I was sacrificing time with my family for something else I felt was a very worthy cause.  It also made me a better wife and mother because I felt like I was a part of something and my every waking second wasn't solely devoted to the same thing.  I could come back to my first calling renewed and more patient after getting out to coach for a while.  

I also know that this whole situation was incredibly difficult for my family.  Remember my husband, the one who was a teacher and administrator at the school?  Remember how he was upstairs with our kids while this was happening?  I had to go upstairs and tell him that I had been fired.  He was shocked and hurt.  He also had to stay and teach the rest of the school day, then the rest of the week, the month, the year, and even the year after that. He had to continue to work with people he used to call friend.  We had both been betrayed.  And while it was very painful for me, I know it was harder for him.  And our kids bore some of the brunt of our pain.  They were there and we were hurting.  It still pains me to think about the number of times one of them asked why I was crying.

That's how I lost my voice.

Maybe you ask, what's the point?  Why share this story except to badmouth the players in this drama?  Really? 

And I can see why you might think that, but the reasons are there.  It's not to badmouth anyone.  I've forgiven them.  It took a lot for me to be able to say that, and sometimes, with my Father's help, I have to do a little re-do, but I do forgive them.  The reason for sharing this is twofold.  The first is because this whole situation has played a major part in my life over the last few years and has shaped me.  It's also the reason I've been working to find my voice.  The second?  Because, this story has a happy ending (I can't fit that into this same post--my kids have been very cooperative with my writing morning and I should probably give them some attention--but it does, I promise. And I will share).  You know those times where you just can't figure out why God is allowing things to happen?  Where you wish he would just tell you His plan?  This, and following events, were some of those, but now I think I understand.  His plan was revealed, in His time.

A Tiny Voice

Today my daughter has been cracking me up.  I love kids' imaginations, and her's is a pretty good one.  For reference, oo is you.

This morning she asked me, "Me have piece can-ny?"

I told her ok (don't judge, we have a ton of Halloween candy and I'd rather she have it earlier than right before nap time).  I was washing dishes so I went to dry my hands so I could get it down from the top of the hutch (see, we do have limits), but before I got there I heard, "No, me not know how me get it!  Me tiny! Oo 'ig!"

Then, later, I heard her playing and two somethings were talking to each other.

"Ohh!  Oo eat mine apples!  Why you eat mine apples?"

"Me hun-gee."

"UUhh!" (You have to picture her face with this one... wrinkled nose, squinty eyes and curled lip... she's very good at this face.)

"Me 'orry." 

"Awe!  Oo mine best buddy!"

And then the objects hugged.

I turned around about halfway through this imaginary dialog to see this: 

Yes, her brush and comb were having a conversation where one ate the other's apples.  What can you do besides laugh, snap a quick picture, and then blog about it?

I'm Back at It

A lot of stuff has changed lately.  I got REALLY busy and I just couldn't make time to blog.  I'm not sure I really have time now, but I miss it and some of the craziness has slowed down--well, sort of-- I just started typing and then my little shadow hurt her fingers and needed me (it's like they know when I'm doing something I'm not sure I have time for), but the out of the ordinary craziness has lessened.

Some of you have been here before, some of you didn't know I had a blog.  Welcome, everyone.  I am still trying to find my voice, but kind of for different reasons.  I'll probably re-post my introduction (even though some of that has changed), just because a lot of it is still true and I don't really want to totally re-write an introduction about myself.  

We moved.  In almost-mid-June, Josh was offered a job as the school administrator at a Lutheran grade school in the same town as the address of his parents farm.  We moved on July 25 (Yes, you read that correctly... we decided to move and moved in about a month and a half.  I told you, I got really busy.)  So, I've been about the business of getting us settled in the new house, making sure my children are adapting and settling and being the behind the scenes for my husband in his new job.  And trying not to stress too much about the old house that's still on the market. Things are going well, but it takes time to completely adjust and we're still working on it.  But, I do think it's safe to say that we are all happy to be here.

A couple of months ago, when I first started thinking about getting back into blogging, I got a shocking message from an acquaintance, calling me out for a bunch of things, telling me I was incredibly negative, and that I was so horrible that people felt sorry for my husband and frequently talked about it behind my back.  Horrible things to say to a person, especially once they have moved away and there is really no point.  But, she did and I was very hurt.  I also panicked, thinking everyone (including my true friends) felt this way.  So, through tears, I deleted all of my blog posts, since some of the things she referenced were from blogs I had written.  I have come to realize (with the help of some of my good friends) that the problems she had were her own and that she didn't know me well enough to make any of these judgments.  I know she is going through her own stuff and this is apparently how she copes.  I hope her venting at me helped her in some way (I truly do, I'm not just saying that).  But, that explains why this is the only post on my blog right now.  

I am not going to just throw away all of my other blogs, but, the one positive thing (I guess) to come out of it is that I am going to re-read every post before it gets the chance to be re-posted.  My status has changed, if you will.  I am now the wife of the school administrator at the Lutheran grade school.  This is/was not news to me, and I knew some things might need to change a bit, her note just triggered me making sure those changes happen.  I don't think (like I said, I have to re-read) any of what I have posted previously is inappropriate and I stand by my work, but, being in a small town (or towns) where everyone knows everyone else, with a husband that is holding a semi-prominent job, I do need to be careful.  I am a fairly honest person, and maybe some of that honesty isn't stuff that needs to be shared publicly.  So, as I read through, I will re-post the best and/or most important ones and leave the rest behind.  There will be new thrown in the mix and hopefully all of this will help me continue to find my voice... or voices, particularly the new ones.  

Thanks for reading and joining me on this journey.

The Voice of Fitness

It's been a while since I said anything about weight loss.  I think it's time for another post. I lost a total of 30 pounds before I got side-tracked and needed to let my self back off a little bit.  

Wait... what?  

No, I didn't gain it all back, and no, I didn't stop exercising or eating healthy (ok, maybe I slacked a little too much on the latter). I've gained about two pounds, but I've also lost inches in that time (as long as I'm actually measuring correctly).  I found out that someone (me) who has been working out and eating well consistently and has already lost a significant amount of weight can still lose inches without losing weight or making changes in the exercise routine.  I needed to learn that.  I think it's a good lesson for a lot of people.

I got tired of taking the time to track my calories, especially when we were traveling.  I was also getting frustrated that the number wasn't going down, or not as quickly as I wanted.  I decided it was time to step back.  I needed to see what I had accomplished and be proud of it.  I needed to quit getting irritated when the number didn't change (I'm still working on this one).  The goal was supposed to be fitness and health, not the number.  So, I decided to step back from weight loss competitions, stop stressing about tracking every calorie and quit being so concerned about the number on the scale (it's right around 160, in case you wanted to know--see, that's an accomplishment... it's just a number so it doesn't matter who knows).  I do still weigh myself most days because I'm afraid that if I don't, I will think I'm doing well when really I'm not.  I do still need to see a number to keep myself accountable.

I also forced myself to focus on what I had accomplished.  I lost 30 pounds.  I also achieved another goal.  Remember how I said I wanted to feel like I looked good in pictures with my skinny sisters and not stand out as the obvious fatty?  I think I did it here:

This was taken at Christmas.  I'm the one standing on the right. (We're missing one sister, though.)

Much better than this picture, taken at my youngest's baptism dinner (2 years ago).  If I said I was the chubby one, you'd easily be able to tell that I'm the one on the far right.  (I will give myself that this was less than two months after she was born, but I didn't get much smaller.)

I'd call that a success.   

Here's a little before/after comparison.  The one on the left is the before picture from my first biggest loser competition, taken June 3.  I had lost four pounds and was in a consistent workout routine.  The second one, on the right, is taken at the end of the third competition, in early March--29 pounds lost.  I actually didn't lose any weight during the third competition--well, I had to re-lose a few pounds after a trip-- but I still lost inches.  I did most of the competition without tracking calories... somehow I had lost the time.  That was a frustrating competition for me, but seeing the pictures and the lost inches helped a lot.

Then there's this picture, taken on Sunday (Easter), with my youngest sister.

She's obviously thinner than I, but I wouldn't be able to describe myself as the chubby one, and that body has carried 4 kids.  (I'm in blue, in case you didn't know.)

So, I achieved one of my goals.  I am no longer the fat sister (no one is, in case you're wondering, and no one but I ever said I was). I'm still technically 8 pounds overweight, but, as I've said before, BMI is dumb!  I don't think anyone would look at me and think I'm overweight.  Well... maybe some scout for models, but that's not what I'm going for.  

I'll be honest, I would still like to lose more.  But, that's just a small part of what I wanted to accomplish.  

1.  Get healthy: I just went to the doctor for some neck pain I've been having and because I needed to get my cholesterol tested for insurance.  First, he told me he wasn't going to do x-rays because I was too healthy and some stretches should take care of it.  Then, he told me he wasn't going to add any other tests to my blood work because I was so healthy otherwise.  Goal achieved!

2.  Build muscle and endurance:  I started with 2 segments of a 50 minute workout video, hopefully four times a week.  That whole video is now too easy, so I only do it once a week or not at all.  I can complete any one of my four videos on any day, and I do 5, or occasionally 6 times a week.  I ran for 16 minutes the first time I tried and that was painful, plus it was less than a mile and a half.  Now I run almost 3 and a half miles in a little over 30 minutes, when I choose to run (meaning, I can do it without having run in a month) and I'm not feeling it for days after.  Goal achieved!

3.  Look good in clothes instead of pinched and stuffed into them:  I was a size 12 or 14 and L/XL, now I'm an 8 or 6 (except for Lauren Conrad dresses, apparently... those are 10) and a S/M.  I don't have the pants from my before picture because they didn't stay up and the bra is too big and can only be worn around the house.  I still have the bra from the after picture, but it's a little large and I can't wear it if my workout is going to be too bouncy (sorry if that's TMI).  The shorts from the after picture require a tightly cinched drawstring to stay up.  Goal achieved!

4.  Keep up with kids in play:  This weekend we had a family kick ball game in our back yard (less competitive than it may sound when the age range of the players is from almost 60 to barely 2).  I played while holding the 2-year-old for most of the game.  This includes kicking, running bases, and in the field.  I wasn't sore the next day and I wasn't tired out. Plus we all had fun. Goal achieved!

5. Eat healthier: Again, not eliminate foods, but make healthier choices consistently.  I eat a salad for lunch probably 3 times per week, and I like it.  When I bake, I reduce the sugar and sub plain yogurt for half to 3/4 of the fat/oil in most recipes (the super yummy cake I made for Easter doesn't count) and I look for healthier recipes to begin with.  I do still crave some of the bad stuff and sometimes a glass of wine after the kids are in bed just sounds too good too many times a week, but I have definitely improved and I do think about what I am putting into my mouth.  Goal achieved, with room for continued improvement!

6.  Lose weight:  The soft goal was to get down to 152 pounds, that's the top of a healthy BMI for someone who is 5'6".  The harder goal was 140, you know, to prove that I could do it and to make sure I was well within the "healthy" BMI... possibly to give myself room to gain a little back.  Maybe also to see what it felt like to shop for clothes that small.  I haven't reached either of those specific goals, I'm ok with that for now and I have lost quite a bit. Look at everything else I've done.  It's just a number anyway.  

And I guess that's my point here.  The number really is just a number.  If your body can do what you want to be able to do and you're healthy, then who cares what the scale says?  Maybe the number I picked out wasn't the right one.  Maybe it will be the right one eventually.  But, for now, I'm not going to dwell on what I didn't accomplish; I'm going to focus on what I did, and it feels like that was quite a lot!

I think the biggest benefit for me in all of this is that I have a fitness routine.  I workout every weekday during nap time.  If I don't get a workout in, I miss it.  If my day is going to be a bit different, the first thing I try to figure out is how I can get a workout in.  I'm committed.  I know that I don't want to go back and I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen.   

Related Links:
55 Things the Scale Won't Tell You: 
http://www.sparkpeople.com/blog/blog.asp?post=55_things_the_scale_wont_tell_you
Why Calories Don't Matter:
http://drhyman.com/blog/2014/04/10/calories-dont-matter/#close